And on Your Left We Have Babies....(week 21)

So you know how I've discussed that I do not have that much baby knowledge.  Well future fathers never fear because that is what classes are for.  So I learned from my wife that the hospital offers classes on things like how to not kill your child, how to put a car seat in a car and my favorite Diapers 101.

No, really this is a great thing for people like me as again I know nothing about babies.  These classes are to help aid new parents and make sure that they do not go into the wrong places while they are freaking out about the inbound child.

So to ease our way into it we thought that taking a tour of the baby side of the hospital would be good.  So we arrive and have about nine other couples with us.  We find out where to park, for how long and where to take our loved ones.  There even is a stroller parking lot (no kidding) for those parents who wanted extra humans in their home.

So let me just give you the highlights:

1.  I've learned that there are always some people (esp. with pregnancy) who have alternative forms of doing things.  We had a lady go crazy over one of the practices the hospital uses.  It was fun to watch and scary.

2.  The baby side of the hospital rocks.  This place is better than about 85% of the hotels I've stayed in. Fancy lighting, didn't smell like bed pans or sterile latex gloves and the big shocker: people were actually very kind.  It was really weird.

3.  Whenever the tour guide would give us baby questions to answer I got 96% wrong.  I wonder if that should give my future baby hope.  Like she asked "when a baby has bubbles forming on the side of it's mouth what do you do?"   My answer: laugh or blow on them to see if they float.  Yup this parenting thing is going to be a loooong road.

4.  Seeing the little babies, in the room that reminds me of people looking at animals at the zoo, was really cool.  That part made the whole thing real.  A little person is coming and we gotta pray and prepare.

Well there you have it.  Baby tour down and how to care for your infant next (which apparently is 8 hours!!??)  If your a first time dad and/or you could care less about your pride then take a class.  It's worth it.

The End~

So I'm Having a Girl (Part 2)

So the last time we met my friends was our awkward encounter with a doctor who had to "prove" themself and their skill.  Well as my wonderful wife put out, I never said how I felt about having a girl or any of my first reactions to knowing that we were having a girl.  So here we go:

Let me give you some background.  So for the longer part of this pregnancy my wife has been hyping up that we would have a boy.  Bugging me for boys names (me promising to give her boys names I liked), wishing that she had a little me, dreaming of a little mo-hawk (what I used to have), etc.  She told me she did that because she really wanted a girl but didn't want to be let down (not that she wouldn't have loved our boy).  Anyway I say all that as my brain seemed to be programmed to a boy. So when I heard it was a girl it kinda hit me pretty hard.
So here are the reactions we discussed the day we found out from "Sir TMI" that we were having a girl:

Katie's reaction to a girl:
Tutus
Fro Pigtails
Cute outfits
Looking forward to finding cute things on Pinterest


My reaction:
I need to buy a gun
Is it still legal to torture boyfriends?
If she has Katie's smile and eyes then pretty much I'm useless discipline wise.
Since she's a girl, and most girls I've met never claim to fart, then maybe diaper changes won't be so bad (one can dream right?)
I'm totally outnumbered.

Do all guys get this innate reaction when having a girl?  Does every boy suddenly become enemy #1 and you will judo chop any boy in the neck that comes sniffing around?  I know I did. 

Either way I very excited to be having a girl.  I can't wait to hear her laugh, make faces at her, and just enjoy the life that God gives me to be with her.  One thing is for sure, she will be a Manchester United fan.  Oh yes, she will!

The End~

So I'm Having a Girl (Week 19)

If you haven't figured it out or if I haven't posted it on here my wife and I are having a girl.  Now most people would just shrug knowing that they were having a girl, not me.

Of course if you read this blog at all you have already realized either that A.  These people are a little "off"   B. Nothing seems to happen in a normal way.

Speaking of that, just similar to my advice to people who say dumb things to pregnant women, this needs to go for doctors and technicians.  Why be so weird?  First it took 25 mins of exploring my wife's stomach to tell us what the sex was.  I could handle that, though seriously I was falling asleep (don't hate, it was warm and the chair was comfortable).  Anyway they always bring in a doctor to confirm everything the tech person just told you.  By now we know it is a girl so as he runs through all the health stuff this is the exact interaction between us and him.

Dr.  So everything looks good and looks like you are having a girl.
Us: awesome great.
Dr.  Now I'm not just making that up.  I'm not just saying that because I don't see a penis.  (serious face)
Us.  Umm ok
Dr.  No really see here that's the ehhh and the blahhh and so yeah you are having a girl.
Us.  Umm hmm (tip lipped either from not trying to laugh or cry)

If you could have seen my face during this exchange it may have looked like this:

Look I get that the healthcare profession isn't always up to par, but when a technician and a doctor tell me something I'm more prone to trust them.
I think because he was awkward and not cool about it made it worse.  Like if Denzel was explaining this I am sure it would have gone smoothly.

But trust me my wife felt the same way so I didn't feel too bad, but she did see this face from me.  I just wanted to stand up and say: look man I trust you, I really do, its all good.  



Anyways if you are guy (or girl) just be prepared for the weirdness that comes with pregnancy.  Trust me you never see this stuff coming.



The End ~

"Oh gosh, I don't know anything!" (Week 18)

So as I have stated before: my wife and I have no baby experience at all.  We don't hold other people's babies nor have we ever had the desire to.   When we found out we were having a baby it was really an area we knew nothing about.  So we knew that we needed to find some resources and such to give us an idea of what is going to happen.

My wife and her wisdom found a book and tabbed it in several places and told me to read it.  No problem.   I began in a section that I thought I could handle: diapers.  I began reading and the only thing that came out of my mouth was : oh my gosh, I don't know anything!   (think agonizing defeat)

Here are a couple things that I learned and that as first time fathers you should know:

1.  Infants can use up to 14 diapers a day!

Yes you heard that correctly.  I get that their little mouths are closer to their butts than adults, but does food really go through them that fast?  They recommend 600 diapers for the first month and a half. Met with a friend and he can verify that you will go through diapers like drinking water.  Speaking of water check out this interesting fact : A newborn urinates about every 20 minutes and then roughly every hour at 6 months.  No long road trips for us!!!!

2.  They eat every couple hours.

Now this sounds more normal to someone like me, because I eat pretty much anytime I can.  So I understand that a kid needs to throw down some food pronto.   The good thing no steak for our baby since a baby cannot taste salt until it is 4 months old. (The delay may be related to the development of kidneys)

This is for you first time dads who like to do research:

3.  Whenever you try to buy (or research) something for an infant, it seems if you do not buy the right item it always appears to lead to death.

So I spent a couple weeks researching a crib.  Reviews of cribs made it sound like kids are dying left in right in these prison cell monster death traps!  Then I researched the mattress for the crib and certain mattresses need to have this that thing or that thing or else......you guess it could lead to death.  Buy the right outfit or else.  Now I understand there are certain things you should look out for (chemicals being used, glues, cause kids slobber and gnaw on everything.)   But this feels exactly like when you google that cough you have had for more than a week and you check WebMd and it tells you no matter what that it's cancer.

Some runner ups I thought were funny:

There is an actual book called "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" 

(I always thought it was womanly!)

Most newborns will lose all the hair they are born with in the first three or four months of life.

(No rogain needed it comes back)

There is a La Leche League  (They are like the comic book Justice League but for milk)

Saw a chapter on breast pumps, immediately skipped it as it scared me.

The End~

What Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman (Week 17)

As a husband you always try to be careful what you say to your wife.  There are several questions that can get you in trouble or trap you (and which I believe is some sort of wife conspiracy to destroy us).  For example:
"Honey do I look fat in this?"
"Do you still think I'm pretty?"
"Do you like this outfit on me?"

Anyway, if you have been trained well by your wife these questions aren't a problem., but pregnancy does present some drastic changes.  Your wife will need an elastic band for her pants.  As exciting as this sounds (I love me some jogging pants) this isn't because Thanksgiving was a blast, but because she is carrying a living person in her!  As she goes through changes she needs affirmation and encouragement throughout to remind that she really is pretty and beautiful.

Which leads me to the title.  People just be normal when talking to pregnant ladies.  Don't be weird.  Just say congrats, maybe a little bit of wisdom and go home.  Unfortunately people seem to not understand that there are certain things you should never say to a pregnant woman.  These statements were actually made to my wife:

"I saw you from behind, and knew you were pregnant."
"You're only four months, you're HUGE!"
"Why are you touching your stomach, we already know it's there."
"I had the perfect pregnancy." (esp. while you're in pain)
"Were you planning this?"
"You look puffy and tired."

Maybe you have a strange comment you would want to share.  Just put it in the comments section.  Trust me, my wife and I will get a kick out of it, especially if it's stranger than these gems.

The End~