Having Your Cake and Eating it Too!

A couple weeks ago I said that I would explore the biblical viewpoints of marriage. As I myself am getting married soon, I have been reading extensively on the subject of marriage: what it is, and its purpose. I have been reading through scholarly journals, statistics and books by godly men to gain understanding of this what I think is vital and important subject. Using John Piper's definitions of marriage fro his book "This Momentary Marriage" I explained that marriage was two things:
1. It is a divine institution. (It was created by God, and for God BEFORE the Fall: Genesis 2:21-25)
2. Marriage's purpose was to display God's glory and the relationship of Christ to His bride the church. (Eph. 5:31)

When discussing marriage you can't simply skip over the numerous problems that our society has created in regards to marriage. Society has wanted to redefine it, change it, and has created outlets to mimic it (no doubt to our sinful desires--sorry we have a part to play).
Today I want to talk about a problem I have encountered in numerous churches including my own: cohabitation.

***Cohabitation is defined as people who live with a sexual partner of the opposite sex.

A recent Relevant article sparked this blog about this subject. It indicated that, "many American Christians in their 20s and 30s consider cohabitation morally acceptable." Why is this? What I want to do is show, from a sociological view, the effects of cohabitation.


1. Cohabitation leads to an increase in divorce and dissolution of the relationship.
The National Survey for Family Growth reported that those who had been involved in a cohabitation type relationship: the outcome was for women: 18.7% of them dissolved (broke up or ended) and 34.5% ended in divorce. With a total failure rate of 53.2%.

Psychology Today reported the findings of Yale University sociologist Neil Bennett that cohabiting women were 80% more likely to separate or divorce than were women who had not lived with their spouses before marriage. Also the National Survey of Families and Households indicates that "unions begun by cohabitation are almost twice as likely to dissolve within 10 years compared to all first marriages: 57% to 30%."

Most studies continue to find that those who are involved in cohabitation have marriages that DO NOT last more than 10 years.

2. Cohabitation affects children
Like divorce (something we will cover in another blog), cohabitation has its effects on young people. A study done by Leanna Mellott, shows that women who cohabited were 57% more likely to have daughters who did the same. For sons it was around 30%, though the effects of divorce, widow and cohabitation had the same affect.

3. Those who cohabitate are less likely to get married.
The National Survey of Families and Households, based on interviews with 13,000 people, concluded, that "40% of cohabiting unions in the U.S. break up without the couple getting married.

Other important notes: People who have less education tend to cohabitate more than those who have a college degree. People involved in cohabitation do not hold as high a view of marriage (displayed by their action to cohabitate). FInally people involved in cohabitation tend to have multiple cohabitants in their lives. (meaning relationships tend to end and they move onto someone else)

Now why did I tell you all this:
I gave you all this to illustrate that cohabitation does not fit the biblical picture that God intended for His people. I write this because I have personally seen an increase in young believers (or people claiming to be) being involved in this and it is wrong.

1. First it devalues real commitment.
Watch this video:


*Like the video, cohabitation says I will commit to you, until it is no longer convenient or if it doesn't work, or I find another person.

Listen, God intended that we would give our lives to Him, so that we may worship Him with ALL that we have, and have been given. This includes our partner. I could never imagine telling my fiancee that I will be with you, but never really commit to you.
Getting married to her tells her that I am in it for the long haul, that if I get a divorce it will hurt me financially, spiritually, and emotionally: It will cost me almost everything.

2. It devalues God's call to purity and intimacy.
Since cohabitation entails being sexually active with a partner (and I shouldnt have to go into too much biblical detail) this simply does not honor God.

1 Thess. 4:3,9--"it is God's will that you be sanctified, that you should AVOID sexual immorality....Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit."

1 Corinthians 6:18-"Flee sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body..."

*Notice God's desire is that you remain holy, separate specifically in the area of sexual sin.

Any passage that deals with the Greek word porneia, sex outside the bonds of a married man and woman. (this word covers all sexual orientation: pre-marital, homosexuality, beastiality, pedophilia, and pornography etc...)

Like sin always does: it distorts that which is beautiful picture of love: the display of Christ. Cohabitation wasn't meant to be part of the human relationship. People involved in it are committing sin. Pastors need to preach how wrong this picture of love this is, at the same time provide loving counsel, and help for couples.


I hope this information has been able to help you. We need to minister to people who are involved in cohabitation and let them know that they are loved, but that they are cheating themselves out of a love that supersedes physical, and financial gain.


Be Blessed