My wife and her wisdom found a book and tabbed it in several places and told me to read it. No problem. I began in a section that I thought I could handle: diapers. I began reading and the only thing that came out of my mouth was : oh my gosh, I don't know anything! (think agonizing defeat)
Here are a couple things that I learned and that as first time fathers you should know:
1. Infants can use up to 14 diapers a day!
Yes you heard that correctly. I get that their little mouths are closer to their butts than adults, but does food really go through them that fast? They recommend 600 diapers for the first month and a half. Met with a friend and he can verify that you will go through diapers like drinking water. Speaking of water check out this interesting fact : A newborn urinates about every 20 minutes and then roughly every hour at 6 months. No long road trips for us!!!!
2. They eat every couple hours.
Now this sounds more normal to someone like me, because I eat pretty much anytime I can. So I understand that a kid needs to throw down some food pronto. The good thing no steak for our baby since a baby cannot taste salt until it is 4 months old. (The delay may be related to the development of kidneys)
This is for you first time dads who like to do research:
3. Whenever you try to buy (or research) something for an infant, it seems if you do not buy the right item it always appears to lead to death.
So I spent a couple weeks researching a crib. Reviews of cribs made it sound like kids are dying left in right in these prison cell monster death traps! Then I researched the mattress for the crib and certain mattresses need to have this that thing or that thing or else......you guess it could lead to death. Buy the right outfit or else. Now I understand there are certain things you should look out for (chemicals being used, glues, cause kids slobber and gnaw on everything.) But this feels exactly like when you google that cough you have had for more than a week and you check WebMd and it tells you no matter what that it's cancer.
Some runner ups I thought were funny:
There is an actual book called "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding"
(I always thought it was womanly!)
Most newborns will lose all the hair they are born with in the first three or four months of life.
(No rogain needed it comes back)
There is a La Leche League (They are like the comic book Justice League but for milk)
Saw a chapter on breast pumps, immediately skipped it as it scared me.
The End~
haha, I love this. Mostly because I went through the same thing. The diapers thing is true. There will be a time when you are standing in a store wishing you had registered for more diapers instead of whatever stupid toy your kid isn't playing with. Change the first dirty diaper in the hospital. When you see what comes out you may quickly debate whether or not this little being is in fact an alien.
ReplyDeleteBreast pumps are terrifying. I refused to be in the same room as one. I'm pretty sure I saw one in an alien movie one time.
With your first baby, everything leads to death. The second baby only a few things. I hear with a third child you don't even care anymore.
Love your comment John. I'm with you on the breast pumps. Horrible looking machines.
DeleteThis is great. It is true about the diapers. You will be amazed on how much money goes to diapers and formula (if you are not breastfeeding) since we kept buying and buying tons of diapers. If you are breast feeding, you will be amazed how many inserts you will go through for the bottles that are pumped (if you pump so your wife can get some rest from your newborn). The crazy part is that they grow so fast that they will actually grow out of the diaper size you are using and then you are stuck with the diapers. You will know when they outgrow their current diaper size by the fact the poop coming out of the diaper and you know that you need to go up a size. As infants, they eat constantly...... and I mean they eat constantly. You know me Chris and I eat a lot but you will be amazed by how often and how much they eat. Then you realize that they eat for both nutrition and to hydrate themselves so it all make sense. You will be amazed by the warnings on everything as everything leads to death or is a hazard that leads to death. If you have a question about chemicals (cough cough), you can come ask the guy that is getting his PhD in chemistry (hint hint) and I will be more than happy to help you. Congratulations once again and you will make an excellent father :).
ReplyDeleteYou will know when they outgrow their current diaper size by the fact the poop coming out of the diaper and you know that you need to go up a size.
DeleteThis John is probably one of the most terrifying statements I've read.
You should of seen my face when my son had his first bowel movement at the hospital. I was in shock by how much poop there was in the diaper. The nurse and doctor warned me that an infant's first poop is a lot and I would need help since it is their first one but oh my gosh. When I saw it, I turned to my wife and said "Hit the nurse button! Honey, Hit the Nurse button!!" (all trying to remain calm and not show signs of being terrified). I tried my best to get the diaper off and clean him with what they had and the nurse came in and kinda of chuckled at me as I was really trying to clean him up. She came over and assisted me in cleaning him up. It took the nurse and I about 10 minutes to clean it up since it came out the diaper, down his leg, up his back to his neck, and out to his arms. I asked the nurse after we were done cleaning him with wipes and getting a fresh diaper if it would of been quicker to hose him down and the nurse responded "Probably." The whole time my wife is in the bed laughing at me since she sat up a little and saw the mess (she was in bed because since she had a c-section and needed rest to recover) and I was trying to keep myself calm so Elliott would stay calm. That is a story for you to be terrified of. Lol. Afterwards the nurse actually gave me credit for cleaning him and not just saying help and letting her clean him.
ReplyDelete