I'm tired......and lazy. Life of Toddler

Okay I have not had anytime to write in this blog. Why, nbecause I'm tired...lazy...eh more tired than anything else.  If you have followed my journey then you know that I now have a toddler.   I spend many days and every morning getting her ready for day care while simultaneously trying to live my life as well.  I have not written in this for a while so instead of trying to actually write a blog about all the things that happened one by one, I'm just going to list them all here for your enjoyment (thank me later).

12 months to 13 months:

Things that are endlessly talked about through their first year:

Who your baby looks like
Gosh, the never ending revolving door of who your kid looks like.  It reminds of this clip from Space Balls:


Why did I choose this clip?  Because everyone says that the baby looks like your uncle with your sister's nose.  Or it looks like your cousin Larry but with your Aunt Lucinda's eyes or your brothers, uncles, cousins, nephews face.  In the end (like the clip) it means absolutely NOTHING to you!  Will your kid look like someone in your family...maybe and maybe not.  More than likely they will look like you or your wife/husband.  In the end, it's a baby and it looks more like a bald old guy than anyone else.

Daycare, nanny or home:
Oh the ever debated Nanny, day care or home.  Almost as exciting as watching actual debates on TV.  Look if you want to do any of these BE MY GUEST!  Just don't look down on someone that does something different than you.  Because no matter which one you pick, it's going to cost you something anyway (if not time, definitely money).

How old is she or he?
This question I'm not bugged with so much.  Mainly cause I am terrible at guessing kids ages under 12.  I guess it just gets annoying that you have to keep saying it almost daily.    I get more annoyed that some people still can't figure out if my daughter is a boy or girl.  We had issues with this early on and it is more rare now, but now when she is 16.5 months old there are occasions where someone will think she is boy and I show them this face:

Finally an issue we dealt with from 13-16 months:

When your kid calls everyone daddy or mommy:
Okay so I loved it when my daughter's first words were daddy, but sometimes they just call everyone that.  Mainly, the decide to call people that love them and care for them most so don't feel bad.

Okay this all my summary for the post 1 year old moments that I remember.

And so we go on....

Being a Dad: So You Wanna Do This Again

It makes me laugh when I read blogs and how people can actually make money off of them.  Mainly because I am horrible at keeping up with mine.  Those of you who have kept with this and read beyond the first paragraph, I applaud you and thank you.

I wanted to write a blog for first time dads.  I always heard what it was like from the woman's perspective but saw very little of what the guy experienced.  Well now I get to do it again.  Sadly, I have been beyond busy trying to keep up with my now two year old daughter to even write about the impending second daughter's coming.

What can I tell you about the second time around experience?  It was actually uneventful.  By that, I mean we didn't have any strange techs, breakdowns or odd experiences.  Not sure if this is because everything was new and now it is pretty routine, but it really was low key.  Mainly, I spent most of my time taking care of my wife and daughter.

Some things were the same:  my wife loathes pregnancy.  She really hates being pregnant and I can't blame her.  Body goes into all sorts of crazy and you can't control it.  Some things are very different this go around:  it was discovered at the same time that she was pregnant that my wife had a labral tear.  Think of a VERY painful tear that hurts whenever it wants to, prevents you from walking, sitting, driving, or moving.  It can strike at any moment and bring you to tears.

So to say I have been busy is an understatement, but my hopes are to fill you with some toddler experiences post age two.   I will not be consistent cause I never have with this blog but hope to update it with funny information to help those who are thinking about being parents, are parents and can relate, or just simply love to laugh at my life.

It might be interesting and it might not.  That's okay.

So here we go......

What I've Learned in a Year

I am very glad that I do not make money for blogging because I would be broke.  Yes, I write like every couple months because I have no time.  Instead I'm busy running after my kid, working, going to school and trying to fit other things like working out, hobbies and frankly.... life.  Okay, rant over.

Anyways, my daughter turned one a month ago and that got me thinking about what I have learned in the past year.  So here are some thoughts on being a dad for the first year of my kids life.

1.  You Will Do Things You Never Thought Imaginable
Wiping poo and puke from a variety of places....getting sneezed on (right in the face), snot getting wiped on your nice clothes before going to work, holding a sick baby and caring for them even when they want nothing to do with you, getting pooped on, having your kid stick their wet fingers in your mouth, touching poo (involuntarily), endless diaper changes.

If this was on a brochure you would probably be like: uh honey maybe we should think a little bit more about this.  The crazy thing is you are so in love with YOUR kid that you will do just about anything.  Notice I said your kid and not someone else's kid...I would never do that for anyone else. Well maybe my wife when she's 80.....hmmm 85.


2.  It Isn't As Hard As You Think...but you certainly feel it.
Having a kid is hard.  It takes up your time, energy and space.  Unless you worked really hard at it you won't find time for yourself or your hobbies.  But it isn't as hard as you think.  Love really does capture you to the point where you love having that kid.  I can never imagine my life without my daughter.  The crazy thing is people actually want to have ANOTHER ONE!   What makes it not be so hard?  Well my wife is awesome and I love her.  I see when she needs her time and she sees when I need mine.  My wife and I both love our kid and make a point to work together as equals caring for her.  That makes it easier, but trust me you will feel very very very very tired.


3.  The Capacity for Love Increases....and so does your voice
I didn't think I could love anyone but myself and then I met my wife.  Then I thought man I couldn't love anyone else but my wife and then we had our daughter.  That girl drives me bonkers. She will blatantly stare at me and when I tell her not to put "something" (really anything) in her mouth she grins at me and does it anyway.  She will toss her food around, be a grumpy pants and I have to raise my voice when she gets close to hurting herself or something else, but with all that I still love that girl more than anything.  The capacity for love for me has grown so much because of her.  I feel like the Grinch when his heart gets bigger and bigger.

4.  That's my kid!
Usually when you think of this phrase you think of a proud moment.  I use it when she farts really loud or hits herself in the head with a toy. "Yup, that's my kid!"   But I look at her and I am totally amazed watching her grow up, learn and love her parents/grandparents.  It has been a joy to watch her figure things out and I find myself saying: "Man, that's my kid."  I look forward to watching her in the next year!

Until next time.

The End~

First Time Dad Experiences: Vacation

So after some hard work we decided that we needed a small vacation.  It would be the first real vacation that our little family of three would take.  I wondered how it would be when we had our little 6 month old baby with us.  So here is the list telling you what I learned:


1. Family Friendly helps but isn't necessary
I never liked the term family friendly because as Jim Gaffigan once said it usually sucks.   But I wanted to pick a location that I thought would be used to kids being around or crying.  This doesn't mean you can only vacation in places that have kids, but it does help.  I wouldn't bring my child to some ritzy high class 5 star hotel (first I wouldn't want to pay for something like that) and then not have anything for her.  The location had really cool kid stuff for Karis (esp. when she is a toddler) but when planning we made sure there were things for her to do.

2.  Make sure you have everything that makes home like home.
Our daughter needs a couple things to make her feel like she is at home base.  So we take her favorite stuffed kitty and her blanket, snacks all so that she feels like she's home.   Home is where the heart is....or at least where Miss Kitty and Blankie are.

3.  Request a crib...but don't be surprised if it sucks
So before we arrived at our destination we requested a crib.  It's important because where else is she going to sleep?  Not with us, I get beat down enough from my wife hogging space (let's just say I sleep vampire style so I don't take too much room).  Unfortunately the crib looked like it was out of the show Call the Midwife (oh gosh I'm spending way too much time watching shows with my wife) or out of WWII.  Had metal bars with white paint and a tiny mattress ants wouldn't be comfortable on.

4.  If you get sick on vacation...it sucks for the healthy person.
So I ended up getting sick on the second day of vacation with a really bad sinus infection.  I was dead to the world and in pain.  My wife was already awesome before this, but she really knocked it out of the park.  Cause even when your home it stinks, but when you are vacation and you get really sick its even worse.  You want to be home, your body hurts and someone else has to occupy the little one all day.


Being a dad is life in constant transition.  My girl is growing up so fast and I love every minute of it. So next time you go on vacation: plan and make sure you have all that you need and be prepared for almost anything!
The End~

First Time Dad Experiences: Illness

Soooooooo, the next couple of posts are essentially detailing what it is like when you have certain things happen for the first time.  Last time I talked about teething, which the great thing is that it is the gift that keeps on giving (we are going through it for a second time).  Todays post will be when your kid gets sick for the first time!

As you may already know (avid readers especially) our daughter is in daycare.  Our daycare is awesome: it has great teachers, great administrators and great location and facilities.  But quickly you learn that they are also prime locations for your little beauty to get sick.  Drooling, snotty, poopy animals lurk all over the rooms of these places (if you are a germaphobe you will pass out).  So it isn't whether your child will get sick, it is when.

Here are some things we learned for the first time:

1.  Your child is about 1000 times more miserable than you
Remember how much it sucks to get sick?  The aches and pain, the uncomfortable feeling that nothing is right in the world and you hate it?  Yeah now put that into a tiny body of someone who cannot speak English or convey how they really feel or what hurts without spitting.  Your child will be miserable and it doesn't matter if they have some sort of cold or type of thing that is small to us adults.  It sucks and your baby WILL let you know it.

2.  Get ready, you are about 99.9% away from getting sick!
Who says your child never gave you anything? Well more than likely you will get whatever it is your child has.  Our daughter had a cold and spread that thing throughout our family like fire to gasoline.  Funny thing is I just got over a cold a week before and boom second cold.  My wife even got hand, foot, mouth disease (your hands itch and your throat feels like you ate glass for lunch).   It is super rare for moms to get, but not in our house.  Thanks baby!!  Update: I am now on my second illness that I received from my baby in less than two months, right after I recovered from my own cold.  My wife got the cold first then I got it and was blasted with a sinus infection for two days of our vacation!
Just make sure you have some sick days saved up just in case you need to take them.  The hardest part about this is the reality that whoever is healthy will be doing the bulk of caring for your kid during this time.  As heroic as you want to sound about "even if I'm sick I will"....no you won't.  Best thing for you to do is rest, get healthy and make up for it with date nights and flowers.

3.  Your Baby will have Snot like You've Never Seen Before
So sure babies drool, they have snot come out of their nose, but not like this.   Your baby will become a factory of bodily fluids.  You will constantly have to wipe their nose and keep them dry.  In our case, our daughter hated every time we wiped her face so we basically put a bib on her to help catch the snot/drool combo.  It is part of the sick process, but just be prepared for how much of it ends up on your shirt, shoes, floor, you get the hint.


Next first time experience I want to cover: Vacations

Bye!

First Time Dad Experiences: Teething

I know it has been awhile since I wrote last, but that is because I have had several first time dad experiences that take up quite a bit of my time.  These next couple weeks I will be sharing these wonderful experiences with you internet world.  

First up is teething.  Oh that wonderful time when your little one gets their first tooth or teeth.  Here are some important things to know as a dad:

1.  They are sharp as razors
Yeah so remember that moment when you used to stick your fingers in your babies mouth so they could cutely gnaw on it?  That won't happen anymore.  Those tiny little teeth might be small and cute but they will cut you in a heart beat.  I learned this the hard way when I wanted to relive my college days when I had those, "Hey what this? or "Check this out!" moments. Go ahead, stick your fingers in their mouth, but I warned you. 

2.  They will want to chew on everything
The funny thing is that you actually can tell when your child is teething.  How you ask?  Well because your child turns into a little goat and chews on everything you own!  My daughter, when I am playing with her, will even grab my face all nice and cute AND THEN TRY TO DEVOUR ME.  Okay that was slightly dramatic, she usually just tries to pull my face in close and try to CHEW ON IT TO DEATH. 

Seriously if there is something you value like watches, necklaces, your favorite shirt and your face make sure you put it away or don't wear it.

3.  They drool like you've never seen before
So on top of them trying to chew your face off and that they have tiny razors in their mouth, they also drool like a water balloon popped in their mouth.  I really have come to terms with the fact that my daughter drools on every shirt I own.  I try to wear dri fit stuff just so that it wicks away.  With teething comes drool (The second sign that your kid is teething) and with drool comes it being all over you.  

So how do you deal with it?

Well get them some toys that they can just chew on to their hearts content!  Grab them off amazon or something, but check to make sure they aren't from China (my wife says they put lead and arsenic in all their children's toys).  Apparently the most popular toy is this giraffe named Sophie (yes she actually has a name), but there are numerous ones out there.  

Get drool wipes or some clothe or a towel even and wrap it around their face with duct tape.  Or just get anything that you can wipe the drool off your kid.  We have five of them and I had to use them all at some point.  I just can't let my child look like a crazy person or someone who has rabies or was just bit by a zombie and looks hungry.  You get my point. 

The End~

The Three Stages of Naps (4 months)

As I have always said from the beginning of finding out that we were having a baby:  you are in constant transition!  Our transition has been in the area of naps.  When she was little she would fall asleep anywhere.  Putting her down for a nap was as easy as well breathing (unless you have asthma or any respiratory issue).  But now our daughter is four months old and has quite a lot to say when we put her down for her nap.  These stages may happen with you as a dad (or mom), you may be stuck on one stage longer than the other, but you are bound to hit one of these stages at some point of putting your baby for their naps.

Here are the three stages of putting our daughter down for a nap:

1. Rebellion Stage

Now that our baby girl can make squealing/bubbles/speech complaints she makes it known that she doesn't appreciate being put down for her nap.  This is the defiant "how dare you" stage.  Our daughter will rebel and "yell" and let us know that we are quite possibly the worst parents of all time.  She likes to take her blanket and pull it over her head or pull it apart in defiance.  This can last between 10-15 mins (depending upon her will power).  We just stay true to the cause and know that she will eventually make it to the next stage.  Be careful, your baby can play you like a fiddle during this stage.  Many times early on we have heard a higher pitch scream or some yell and come in to check on her only to make the mistake of picking her up and getting a smile that says (Ha, no nap for meeeeeee!) and couldn't get her to take her nap.  We paid for it that night.  

2. Pacification Stage

This is the stage you hope your baby gets to.  This is where they self soothe by chomping on their favorite toy, blanket or learn to suck their thumb, hand, forearm or whatever body part they approve.  This is where our daughter realizes that she has lost the battle of bamboozling (I really wanted to use this word) her parents.  She is quiet yet still awake but soothing herself.  This stage is way more fun as she isn't some wild banshee hollering all over the place.  This leads us to the stage that every parent hopes and prays for: the "out" stage.

3. Out Stage

I call this the out stage because this is when your baby looks knocked out.  No movement, usually tangled up in their blanket (due to the rebellion stage) and they are simply out in the beauty of sleep.  This is the best stage because you know that your baby is getting some sleep and that when they awake they will be a better human being and not some grouchy pants.  

Naps are essential for a baby.  I mean as an adult I am grouchy when I am tired and haven't had much sleep, imagine what a baby feels?   There will be times where they simply will not go down and you will have to endure whatever beast you have until they take the next nap.  The great thing about naps is if your baby takes them you can do things lots of different things like write in your blog about how your baby needs to take naps!

The End~

Cloth Diapers (Month 3.5)

We got quite a bit of flack for our potential use of cloth diapers.  It was like we were using shards of glass to put our baby in.  I mean when I was child we use clothe diapers.  They looked like hand towels (hopefully they were never mistaken for them) and they came with giant safety pins to keep them tight.  I think they also involved a complicated folding process to pin them just right.  I just remember thinking "Sweet Moses beard, please don't let my mother stick me with that thing."

Well clothe diapers have come a looooong way since that time and so when my wife presented the new and improved clothes diapers I felt better.

Practical:
Thankfully I wasn't able to find the photo of me in cloth diapers circa 1980 as it was a special time.  Usually it was just this clothe draped over you then a plastic bag like thing covered it in case of any blow outs.  So just imagine a little kid with a huge wash rag and then a plastic white trash bag over it.  It was practical for the early 80's but these new ones are pretty amazing.  They come with two layers of cloth in the middle to help with absorption and as you wash them this cloth gets softer (so to not irritate your kids tush).  They've also done studies that show that using cloth diapers gives you less risk for diaper rash (and for us we haven't had a single incident of it).  As a first time dad I am okay with this as I don't want to spend too much time down there anyway (see Bombs Away blog post).

Buttons
First they come with buttons instead of pins.  This ensures that when your baby has a blow out or a minor problem it stays in there (since using them this is 99.8% true).  The buttons are easy to use and you can adjust the size of the diaper with the growth of the baby.  If you can't use buttons, then I feel sorry for you.

Colorful

When I was baby cloth diapers came in the standard off white color.  They really did look dingy and something you found outside, but the new and improved ones come with bright colors, designs and animals (or trains, or cars).  Our baby loves color so this has made changing her diaper more fun as she looks forward to seeing all the colors.  

Cheaper

I don't need to write too much here.  I always love saving a buck and my wife didn't have to make much of a case here for me to say yes to cloth diapers.  They are just cheaper.

Washing

Another reason why I love the cloth diapers is for the first 4-5 months you just toss them into the washer.  No special treatment, nothing.  You just toss the whole lot with some specialized baby detergent and your done.  To answer the typical dudes question: no you do not wash them with your clothes.  Anyways, after 5 months the process does include one or two more steps as your baby goes to solids (imagine having one of those "solids" rolling around in your washer with your clothes).  

Harder to Take Off

One great thing about these diapers is that they are much harder to take off.  I don't know about you, but I value a clean house.  Last thing I need is my daughter flinging her diaper off and running around in free form(as funny as that would be).  But just do a google image search of babies who take their diapers off and see the results.  Yeah didn't think so.  Then consider clothe diapers my friend.   

My wife had me with no bags, no mess, they are cheaper, easy to use, and colorful.  I can't ask for much more.

So if you are thinking about cloth diapers just know that it isn't as hard or crazy as it sounds.  It isn't some organic hipster way of caring for babies, it really works and is really easy.  

The End~

All In a Name (Month 3)

Picking a name for a kid can be quite difficult.  For my wife and I it was one of the easiest things we have done in regards to our kid.  See both of us had experienced the name even before we met each other.  Our daughter's name is Karis (not Kari) and contrary to popular belief we did not use a combination of our names.  

First, my wife and I are Christians (so take that for what it's worth).  We are not crazy, we don't picket but we do love Jesus and love to serve others.  So when we were dating I was reading heavily in the book of Ephesus ( a letter to a bunch of church of people who needed to get their act together--sound familiar?)  The topic of grace comes up frequently in that book.  I have always resonated with Ephesians 2:1-10 and teach it quite frequently in my work.  A verse that I decided to remind myself was Eph. 2:8--"For it is by grace you have been saved through faith, this is not of yourself rather the gift of God."  Essentially this verse says that God loves you, He saves you, You're not hot stuff, You didn't earn it rather He gives it as a gift.  The Greek word for grace is charis or the phonetic spelling is karis.  It also where we get our word charismatic.  

Second, my wife always wanted to name a daighter she would some day have Karis, but this name became reality when Katie and I were working with a group of kids.  We met a girl named Karis and she was an energetic, sweet girl and for the first time we both talked about how cool a name that was for a girl.  

Once my wife and I both decided that we wanted to have children of our own the name Karis was the first on our list for a girls name.  We wanted our daughter to represent what God has done in her parent's lives but also so that she could explain using her own name what God has done for all people.  Our first obstacle with it though was to go with the phonetic spelling because we knew if we went with charis all she would hear is Chair-is from both teachers and students.  As a kid whose teachers always got his last name wrong when they called it out: Luewego?  Lego? Luigi? I understood the cringe feeling or the feeling of being really annoyed by the incorrect telling of your name that contained only four letters (and something she may undoubtly endure).  That is why we went with the phonetic spelling. 

That my friends is how we came up with our daughters name.

The End~

Baby Logic (Week 9)

So our baby is now 2 months old and I have been honored to have a front row seat to her mannerisms and well it has been interesting.  One thing that makes me laugh is the fact that babies think they know what is best for themselves when in all actuality it is the opposite.  I have learned as I spend more time with my daughter that she makes absolutely no sense!!  She wants one thing to only seconds later no longer want it, she wants to be held, then cries when you pick her up.  Well maybe she isn' that crazy as I have had adults be the same way.  Anyway I picked my top two illogical situations of a baby or what appears to happen with babies in two areas you spend most of your time on: sleep and food.
 
Oh by the way if you haven't guessed it, babies don't use logic.





Sleep
Baby: (screams)
Parents: What's wrong?
Baby: I"m TIRED!
Parents: Okay, well then let's put you down for a nap.
Baby: NO, I don't want to take a nap because I am too TIRED!
Parents: Well let's pick you up and rock you to help you fall asleep.
Baby: I said I'm TOO TIRED TO TAKE A NAP!
Parents:  (Pick baby up to help them go to sleep)

Baby:  I don't want to take a NAP!

30 seconds later baby is out

Parents: Told you.

Food:
Baby: Give me food, I'm hungry.
Parents:  You just ate and we need to wait a little bit between feedings
Baby: No I want food now.
Parents:  Now you know that you can't handle more food, remember you barfed it all up last time.
Baby: Don't care give me food

(Parents give her food)

Barrrrrrrf

Baby: You're Welcome: that was for the nap!

The End~

Strange Baby Songs (Week 8)

So my daughter loves to be sung to.  She loves music so much that I have it ready on my iphone for her to listen to.  In fact it will calm her down from a complete meltdown or cry fest.  This could have been beause I sang to her all the time when she was in the womb, who knows?  Any way I have been looking for and using some standard classic baby songs and simply singing some modern songs to her.

Some of these baby songs seem to have some wierd messages that they (or try to) convey.  So if I destroy your beloved children's song I'm sorry.  Actually no these are kinda weird.

Here are my top 3:

1.  Hush Little Baby
Okay this is a classic, but I can't bring myself to sing this song.  Mainly because it is a bribe song for babies.
 "Hush Little Baby Don't say a word, papa's going to buy you a mockingbird..."
First of all I can't have pets, especially a bird flapping around the house.  Plus, since it is a baby or toddler we are singing to couldn't we have worked our way up to something?  I feel jumping right to a bird we as parents have left little room for practical things.

"And if that mockingbird don't sing, papas going to buy you a diamond ring..."
Now this is where the song gets ridiculous as I feel this is sort of an extreme jump----going straight from birds to expensive jewelry??  Diamonds??  How about cubic zirconium?  COnflict free diamonds?  Why bother asking...YOU'RE A BABY!  My baby would be content if I bedazzled my jeans and walked around (which I will not do) rather than want a diamond ring.

You know the rest of the song.  The title to this song really be called " I Will Do Anything to Get You to Be Quiet and Sleep"  This must have been written by a desperate parent or maybe parents with a colic baby.  From my experience bribing a baby is like praying for the toilet to not get clogged (and it does anyway).  

2. Itsy Bitsy Spider

Okay I think this song was simply written to show perseverance or stupidity.  The spider goes up the spout, the rain comes, washes the spider off, the sun comes and he/she tries again.  Dude, spider pick something else to waste your day on?

3.  Rock A Bye Baby
Okay probably one of the creepiest baby songs I think I've heard.  Bribery for a kid to sleep/ a persistent spider okay, but what is this song?

Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop,

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,

And down will come baby, cradle and all.

Funny thing is many have tried to explain this song (and doesn't help its case of being weird):

1. Native Americans used to put their babies in trees and let the wind rock them to sleep. (Why does it always have to be the Native Americans, huh?  Either way proven not to be related)

2. A woman in England with her husband and 8 children actually lived in a tree. (What is this Swiss Family Robinson or a character from Harry Potter?  Also proven not to be related)

Anyway this song is creepy. I mean I don't like heights and rocking my baby to sleep in a tree top, well that tree better be seven feet tall or lower.  The wind blowing, sure you are up in a tree who doesn't enjoy that?  Probably a baby in a cradle about to face plant to the ground!  That escalated quickly!

SInging these songs reminds me when someone is bopping along to a song and then they find out what the lyrics are saying and are like "what in the world?"  I started off excited to use some of these songs then went: whoa calm down crazy song.  Anyway, we've decided to stick to more modern songs (our daughter seems to be in love with Owl City.)  She also likes songs from Mary Poppins (Chim Chimeree), some classical stuff and then the collection of random songs I have for her (Bath time is Here, Drop It Like It's Hot, You're My Baby).

If you have any strange baby songs that I may have missed let me know.

The End~

Three Things That Can Scare 1st Timers (week 7)

I have always recognized on this blog that all babies are different.  Some people have angel babies that never cry and let them sleep for days, while others have demon children, and finally there are those who are in the middle.  Today's discussion should help those who fear having kids or like me were too selfish to admit why they didn't want kids.  If you don't know our story and how my wife and I were not head over heals for kids read some earlier posts.   Here are some of the issues we were worried about and after our daughter was born what we found to be overly dramatic baby myths for first time parents:

You will never sleep
Now recognizing that not all babies are created equal, this statement can be true and false.  Our experience is this:  if you enjoy sleep.....it is going to be hard.  If you love sleeping in on a Saturday morning......you will not do that again for years and years to come.   Our baby sleeps pretty well now, of course I could just be saying that because I get more than 3 hours of sleep.

The best way I can describe is this way:  imagine taking a nap for about an hour and then waking up, then eating dinner, then taking another nap and getting up an hour later and taking a walk.  That is about what my nights felt like.  You never quite get that deep sleep, but that resting/nap type.  And what makes it worse is that every cry or movement your baby makes you hear it, so even though you are napping you are totally aware of what is happening around you.

But to say you will never sleep is ridiculous and over dramatic.  UNless you have a terrorist baby, then you're screwed!

You will lose all your money
Again there are alway elements of truth to these statements.  Will you spend more money on your baby than yourself....yes.  Will amazon come to your house repeatedly.....yes.  Will your Amazon wish list no longer have manly cool tech things and instead have things made of rubber and have all sorts of pretty colors......yes.  Look, having a baby costs money and so for awhile it may feel like you haven't bought something yourself in really a long time.  That's life.

Just be smart with your money.  Set a budget for yourself.  My wife and I have a fun money budget that is solely designed for whatever we want (specifically fun).  Sometimes we will combine it and do something special or we use it for clothes, or some tech thing I want.  Oh and if you are worried that you will never be financially ready for a kid, don't worry you won't, but that shouldn't stop you.

You will lose your social life
One aspect that my wife and I were worried about was going to be our social life while having a kid.  This area can be hard especially for you soalites out there who love to go out every Friday night or even if you are used to just hanging with the guys.  Your time is spent differently when you have a newborn.  Your baby is adjusting to you and life outside of the womb and your wife will need you there for love and support (vice versa).  One thing you have to understand is that your baby dictates 99% of your schedule.  In the beginning your baby could eat 12 times a day or every two hours (those with formula have only slightly less but more prep time).  Sometimes people do not understand that you have a new schedule and so you will have to adjust.  When you are able to socialize it looks totally different than it did before.  We invited people to our house about a month after our daughter was born.  We mainly sat and talked and had great times.  If my wife wants to hang out with a particular group we have to look at the time and plan out food schedules, sleep training schedule, and then we swap roles if I am going out.  Your social life doesn't end, but it does take more planning and sometimes declining and delaying hanging out with people.  

Just like with the other issues, nothing will look the same, but in fact it will look better.  WIll you ever be completely ready to have a kid?  Probably not, but you know my wife and I weren't ready and we have managed pretty well.  If we can do you it I know any of you reading this can do it too.

Plus look at the upside:

Having a kid gets you out of stuff (not traffic tickets though)

They make you laugh about 99% of the time (the other times you wish they were sleeping)

Everything they own is little and makes them automatically cute ( and you can load the washer with all they own)

You get to make up diaper songs (Just make sure you dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge)

WHen they smile at you, you will melt inside and forget about the two hour cry fest they just had.  

The End~

*Next up, my issues with some with classic childrens songs.  

Bombs Away (Week 5)

So my daughter is now 5 weeks old and having her is kinda like being a bomb technician: I never know when she is going to blow.  I think one of the most interesting and tiring aspects of having a baby is their unpredictable nature.  As a dad, one of my favorite things to do is changing her diaper (yes I do love this part), mainly because I like to make it as fun as possible.  I figure the process is already traumatizing for my daughter that I might as well make it a little more tolerable.   So this post is a top three blow ups or blow outs that I've had to experience as a dad.  I do not write this to be gross, rather to give you future dads, or those thinking about kids a realistic view of what to expect in the diaper area.  We always hear about stories from people so here are some real stories verified by my wife.

1.  Rubber Ducky You're the One..... oh gosh

Like my Ernie Sesame Street reference?  Anyway, bath time is actually a really fun time for a dad.  My daughter makes some of the most incredible faces and I just enjoy that time with her.  With a newborn you simply bathe them with a special baby wash cloth and some water (due to the umbilical cord being exposed).  So I stripped her down got her into her little boppy (don't worry you will know what that is very quickly when you have a newborn) and began to bathe her.  I sang a little tune as we enjoyed our time together.  Then gurgle (kinda sounds like what your stomach when you have food poisoning) and then explosion.  No problem, babies poo, I've got this.  Changed and replaced the plastic cover placed her back onto it and back to bathing and singing......then not 2 minutes after the clean up: gurgle and plop.  This time I looked at my daughter to make sure she wasn't pulling some sort of practical joke on me.  Again removed cover, cleaned her and this time I just waited for the next round.  Fortunately it didn't happen.

2.  Duck and Cover!!!!!
I have never changed a diaper in my life before having my daughter, mainly because I think it is gross to handle other peoples (not your kids) feces.   So my wife and I had really no idea how crazy diaper time can get.  One day while at her parents house our daughter needed a change.  Naturally we like to have a nice flat surface to perform this epic duty so we chose their pool table (covered of course).  We began to strip her and as I am right in the middle of the cleaning her up (with her diaper off) she let's out  a really loud wet loaded fart.  So me and my wife looked at each other and lovingly cleaned her up and the pool table.  End of story......of course that isn't how it happened because this is me we are talking about.  She let that fart out and we saw it contained ammo, my wife and I both jumped and ducked under the pool table.  Realizing at that moment that we both shouldn't have jumped as our baby was now rolling around on the pool table.  We are truly great parents.

3. Umm honey
This is my personal favorite and I saved it for last.  My wife was getting ready to change our daughter's diaper.  She began the process of stripping her and got her to the point of having her diaper loose so that I could take over.  Now we had placed her on a large ottoman in our living room and my wife was standing directly in line with the danger zone (cue Tom Gun music).  Since she asked if I could help and finish up I came around to the side of the ottoman.  My wife backed away about 5ft while I did the lifting of the legs to clean her up.  As soon as I lifted her legs *spoooooooooge* projectile poo goes flying through the air like one of those water dancers that shoot out and cross with another squirt of water.

 Our daughter nails my wife with poo (still 5ft away) all on along her forearm.  I freeze as I am in total amazement of what just took place, but then we both burst into laughter at what just happened.  My wife goes to clean herself off and returns as we reminisce about the poo shot heard round the world.  Then I look down at her leg and tell her "honey, I hate to tell you this, but it is all down your leg.  Yup our daughter nailed my wife's upper body and lower body with her poo.  As gross as it is I was and still am impressed (5ft away!!!!) and scared, because I know my time is coming.

Diaper time can be a fun time to connect with your kid, but beware it can also be a time where, as Patches O'Hoolihan from the movie Dodgeball once said, you may need to dodge, duck, dip, dive and well dodge.

The End~

Don't Fail Me Baby Training (Week 2)

So I've had a baby for about a week and a half now.  Before that, I never held a newborn, I never cared for kids under the age of 11 and in college when I met my wife we both agreed that we really weren't interested in having children.  A real catch aren't I?

Anyways there are some important things that you may already know and should know when your little bundle of joy enters the world.

1.  The first crap is soooo nasty. 
So imagine if you had a sink pipe that was clogged.  And you kept throwing food down it and back hair, etc.  Imagine then releasing that pipe.  That is but a small picture of what a baby does when it poops for the first time.  It is called merconium and it is a stool that essentially looks like tar.  Oh and it is sticky like no tomorrow so when you get it on you or your hands (you will) it is really difficult to get off.  I had to wipe my daughters but like 30 times just to get it off.  Okay maybe not 30, but definitely 15! Also there is usually A LOT of it.   Funny story about that,  I changed our daughter earlier and took a 1 hour power nap.  Our nurse came into check on her vitals and realized oh she probably needs to be changed (nurses sometimes do this which is awesome).  MY daughter hadn't done her blowout tar poop monster yet.  Well as the nurse was changing her, BOOM.  She pooped and kept on pooping and didnt stop.  Filled her whole diaper, got it all over the nurse and still continued to poo.  Apparently she was the story of the night with the other nurses.  Biggest poo this nurse had seen.  I just sat on the couch with a grin of delight (and relief of the storm I missed).

2.  The first night you may sleep, the second night you may want to return your child.
Now not everyone experiences this, but it is a very common thing.  The first night that you child is born they sleep like a log.  You think, holy cow I have an angel baby that sleeps at all night.  The second night you wonder if they switched your baby, as they hardly sleep at all.  The nurses explained that the second night they are more aware that they are no longer in mommy's tummy.  They sleep less and cry more.  I looked totally wrecked on the second day.  I think you also are so hyped from this great moment that just happened that you it drives you through the first couple nights. As time goes on and especially that second night you are like what demon child is this?

3.  Go to Chipotle or Qdoba to learn how to swaddle.
Okay currently I am the swaddle master.  I learned my trade from my 2.5 year every Thursday Qdoba run.  Swaddling a baby is like a burrito.  Trust me if your baby loves your swaddle you will gain so much rest and sleep.  Besides don't you hate when your burrito spills over anyway??    Our baby thrives on that and man I am lucky.  Your baby may require other things or may hate the swaddle, but it doesn't hurt to have it as part of your "calm down baby" arsenal.

4.  Make diaper changing fun (cause you will do it a lot)!
One of the highlights is changing a diaper.  That sounds strange.  My baby girl has to be changed somewhere between 10-15 times a day! She is eating around the same amount so essentially the second she eats, she craps.  So since you will be doing this so much in the beginning, why not make it fun.   I either sing to her (I've made up my own I'm changing your diaper songs), or I created a diaper music mix to play when I change her.  It calms her, makes her look at me funny, but it also makes the experience of changing human feces a little more fun.

5.  Whatever your wife needs... do it.
Your wife just pushed a watermelon through a straw.  Most of you dudes (myself included) couldn't even come close to taking on that kind of pain.  She may tear (where babies came from tears sometimes to make room to get out).  Therefore she will need you to care for her and the baby.  This will be the lifelong lesson but at this point it is super important to be there for her.  She needs you not only physically but emotionally.  We tend to want to do things (physical) but lack in the emotional area.  Last thing your wife needs is another child (you acting like one)  or an absent worker (find time off...take it as it is totally worth it).

Well, they say that kids grow up fast.  So take your time.  Enjoy every moment you get with your kid.  Whether they have been born for a week or 25 years.

If you are already parents and have anything to add to the first week of having a newborn please add to this post in the comments.

The End~

The Arrival (Week .2)

I think every first dad should write down his account of when his baby arrived.  That way you not only  have a written account but you can refer to it to brush up on the details as you tell it to your child 500 times.  

With that intro: OUR BABY HAS ARRIVED!  Finally after 9 months of waiting, our baby girl is finally here.  So how was it you ask (or didn't but Im telling you anyway)?  Warning this is long, so I won't feel bad if you want to read the first few lines then skip down to the bottom.  It won't hurt my feelings.  

Like this:

My wife woke me up at 3:20am complaining of pains she had never felt before.  Of course both of us were reflecting on the hoards of information we received from our baby classes.  Like google we came up with every single answer (except cancer--THANKS WEBMD) to what this cause was.  We thought they may have been false contractions or Braxton Hicks (which sucks women get faux contractions with the pain??!!).  I continued to rub her back and try to make her feel as comfortable as possible.  Do you remember my post where I jokingly put the 1980's throw up positions (would have been on the classes or training)?  Well as funny as they looked those were the most comfortable positions for my wife.  So we did them for a couple hours and it did help.  My wife mainly laid in bed on her side to alleviate most of the pain, but she was miserable.  We called our doctors office around 9:30am and they told us if we wanted to come in that we could.  Now listen here, if your wife isn't dilated enough, they will send you back home.  We really didn't want to deal with that.  So we waited another hour and a half and finally my wife said "You need to take me to the hospital."  So I grabbed our go bag, car seat and began to head out.  My wife waited between contractions and zoomed out of our house quicker than I've ever seen a woman in her 3rd trimester (read that blog).  

We arrived at the hospital where my wife was heaving like a fat kid doing suicides.  We managed to get to the right floor where before we could get to the nurse station we were helped.  The pain was pretty bad.  How could I tell, well my wife was clinging to me tighter than a fat kid with a twinkie.   So we got her checked out and they determined that they would keep her.  We moved to a second LDR room (Labor and Delivery) where it was super spacious, had the baby warming tray, the birthing bed and a couch.  Pretty swank for delivering babies I would say.  

My wife was still in pain as she was having contractions every 4 minutes.  She did what your wife will do as well: "Get me the drugs!"   So they called for the drug guy.  He came about 2.5 hours later which with a pregnant woman who is having contractions is an eternity.  He made polite conversation and proceeded to make some jokes while doing his job.  Note to anyone who is human--cracking jokes when a pregnant woman is having contractions is usually not the best approach.  Once my wife got the drugs she was gooooooooooooooood.  I said that really long to emphasize the greatness of the drugs.

Her parents arrived and waited.  After the drugs it simply became a waiting game.  We waited for hours for this baby to do something.  It is important to know that you could wait a really long time to see your child.  I continued to grab her ice chips and water.  Cool thing: the hospital has free food for you when you are having a baby.  Its awesome!  Anyway,  day turned to night and around 7:30pm the doctor came in and said that they thought that it would be a good time to try to get this baby party going.  

So the doc grabs all her gear like she is about to go to war.  She grabs a splash shield helmet, gloves, covers her whole body and grabs a table that swivels with tools.  It actually can look kinda frightening.  So my wife gets her game face on and starts pushing.  At this point it gets real.  I know that there was this little person growing inside of her the whole time but it really never hit me till this point. 

Pushing a baby is exhausting and my wife pushed and pushed. We did have a bit of a scare during the birth.  Our babies heart rate was skyrocketing to 210 (usually a heart stays around 140-50 for a baby, you and I with moderate/high exercise hit 140).  So they had to stop several times.  They were worried that they would have to do an emergency c section.   But my wife was like heck no and she pushed our baby out five minutes later. 18 hour labor, 10 minute push birth and here came this full head of hair silly baby girl. 

I can't really describe the feeling of when my daughter was born.  You would think all that is happening below my wife's waist I would have no interest.  But all I cared about at that moment was my wife and my baby.  I really didn't care what happened outside of that.  Everything could have been falling apart and I wouldn't have cared.  It's a surreal moment and one that I'm am so glad I felt.  

We spent two nights in the hospital. The staff and nurses were incredibly awesome.  Katie had a 2nd degree tear (a tear on the perineum----yes babies heads don't always naturally fit--so check your genetics!!).  I spent every waking moment I had with my daughter and in a way still do.  It was a very long day, but the reward of having our daughter healthy and fully developed was worth it.   As a guy I felt rather useless at times, but you are made to support your wife, love her and care for her during the long arduous process of labor.  

Seeing my daughter being born was one of the greatest moments in my life.  Thank you Jesus!

Oh forgot to,mention that our baby girl pooped on my wife after she was born.  That was kinda funny. 

The End

Third trimester Review (Week 38)

Spoiler alert: We are having a baby. We are now in the waiting game for our baby girl to leave the womb and see our goofy smiles.  So I've written about what to expect, what weird things can happen and what things you wish you never knew as a guy.  I have done reviews of the first and second trimester and now it is time for the third.

What to expect:

Your wife feels like a bus.  Naturally she is gaining around 20-35 pounds (yes it is varying depending on who you are) and she feels like the Michelin Man (except not running like in the photo).  Towards the middle/end of third trimester she is swollen on her hands and feet. Hopefully you don't gain 20-35 pounds with her!

She needs help with socks and shoes.
Due to all that swelling your wife may have a hard time putting on her shoes.  I think it is a true test for when your little kid becomes a toddler. Just be careful when taking her socks off and she is ticklish, she may kick you in the face.

She still eats you out of house and home.
I eat all the time and it is hard to keep up with my own appetite, but add two people with that problem and you have disaster waiting to happen.  As soon as I find food, I see her blue eyes pop out from around the corner asking me what am I doing?  That is code for "so you're making me food right?"

She may be obsessed with ice

My wife for some reason is in love with ice, probably more than she is in love with me.  We struggle to keep any ice in our freezer as she loads up her Nalgene with 10-20 ice cubes.  Maybe she is overheated or became an Eskimo, but I still do not understand it.

She will have plenty of insomnia 

So my wife as a gift got me a Fitbit.  I love this thing (she also got one for herself) as I can track what I eat, how many steps I walk a day and track how I sleep.  Lately I do not sleep well.  Due to her feeling like a bus, swollen body parts and just feeling uncomfortable she doesn't sleep.  And anyone who has been married understands that when the wife doesn't sleep you don't sleep either.

Excuse me but your baby is showing!

Though many men have joked around about the movement of a baby being similar to that scene in alien...it's true.  Our baby girl moves around like there is some sort of fiesta or kung-fu demonstration going on in my wife's belly.  I actually play the game of when she sticks something out I push it back in and she will push it back out.  Hopefully that isn't some sort of rebellious omen for me being her daddy.
Either way the third trimester is a tiring but exciting time.  Your wife will need you more than ever as the time gets closer to giving birth to your awesome child.

Here are some last/quick recommendations.
1. Keep your cell phone on you at all times.
2. Hide food or snacks somewhere if she eats all your food.
3. Be available to help anyway that she needs it.
4. Prepare/complete a schedule (work, etc) so that post-baby you can be there as much as possible.


The End~

Breast feeding Class....Yup You Heard It Right (Week 34)

Okay, the title is a little misleading cause no amount of classes will help me breastfeed.

Anyway, my wife is wise and so we have been attending a variety of baby classes.  We took a general birthing class (check out that post here) and gained quite a bit of knowledge about babies.  My wife insisted that I come to the breastfeeding class as well.  Side note: I was not thrilled about this class and felt that it would be SUPER awkward.  So here it is.

1.  They are going to show breasts.
First you just need to get over the fact that you are sitting in a breastfeeding class and they are going to show breasts: photos, videos, etc.  Duh.  Trust me it is nothing special, but some guys in the class were kinda taken by surprise which I thought was funny.   That is like going to a prostate exam expecting them to check your scalp.

2.  You will be grossed out by some stuff.
This blog is meant to help guys with their first experience with pregnancy and kids (or for those that simply like to judge, laugh, or care about my life), so I would much rather you know these things than try to beat around the bush.  There was a section that grossed both me and my wife out.  It was some sort of weird manual pumping/massage method to get breast milk out and of course they HAD to show it in the form of a video.  Unfortunately in the video, they used a insanely obese woman to demonstrate this technique and the combination of the two was very disturbing: like puss out of a wound kinda gross.  It was nasty.  You've been warned.

3.  Every dude feels like you do.
One thing I think is funny about baby classes is that all the guys feel as awkward and out of place as you do.  Did I think that the dudes in the class felt just as weird as I did, sure.  Did they wish they were some place else but wanted to support their wives?  Yup.  Would they find "convenient times" to go to the bathroom? Sure.  They all felt at least a little weird, except for the one guy who kept asking a lot of questions about everything even with awkward #2.

4.  Some teachers use slang
Boobs, boobies, tatas, breasts all of these terms were used by our instructor.  She mainly didn't seem to care what we thought, but warned us that she would use some slang terms.  Your teacher may or may not, just be prepared.

5.  You are required to use dolls or stuffed animals
Now I got a kick out of this.  First because we were required to bring a "baby" in the form of a stuffed animal.  Second because my wife picked out the smallest stuff animal (about the size of my hand) to use.  Third because we had to bring a stuffed animal as a "baby."   So what happens is you use this animal to demonstrate a working knowledge of how to breast feed your baby.  Your job as a guy is to root her on: both baby and mother.

6. Don't water board your baby.
One very helpful tip was learning how to feed your baby via bottle.  Most make the common mistake of putting the bottle vertical when feeding blasting their baby with milk.  Our teacher compared this to water boarding and essentially drowning your baby in milk: increasing chances of gas, etc.  This was one of the most insightful things in the class.


Breast feeding is tough on your wife.  Did this class help?  Yes and no.  What it did help in was the fact that she needs your support and she needs to know you are in her corner and that you are rooting for her (similar to the college fanatics up top).  You could always paint your body with a giant B (for baby or breast feeding) and root her on.  What your wife doesn't need is what the lady off to the right hand side is doing: looking down, arms folded in judgmental disgust.

The End~

How to Care for Your Child Teen Edition (Week 33)

The baby is not that far away.  Third Trimester has been in full blown beast mode, so we are preparing and excited for the arrival of our little girl.
Now most of you who read this blog know that I work with kids.  I believe God was preparing me for my own child and therefore equipped me for that wonderful age of teenagers.  Well my work put on a fabulous baby shower where a table of kids decided to fill out the advice form that was placed at every table.  I thought their advice on how to care for my child was quite insightful and interesting.


On the Baby's first six weeks:

1.  Watch as much football as possible.   (maybe they mean futbol)
2.  Lullaby songs should be by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  (Anyone know how to play bass?)
3.  Put the baby to bed at 12 midnight.   (If I can make it to midnight I celebrate)
4.  Buy the baby a leather jacket.           (Biker baby?)
5.  Keep the baby awake at all times!    (Nada, no one would enjoy that time)

On Parenting a Girl:

1. Give her lots and lots of toys.       (So I can relive Jingle All the Way)    
2.  Never drop her.                           (I thought this was a given?)
3. She needs all the clothes in the world.  (So I can control what she wears, sure)
4. Give her everything she wants.      (Within reason, the second she asks for a space shuttle, I'm done)

Must Have Baby Products:
1. Diaper (not diapers, but singular diaper)
2. Red Bull (for us or the babies, still unsure)
3. A snuggie.

As you can see if kids were raising babies who knows how they would turn out.  Though I would love to see a baby on Red Bull and trying to calm them down or get them to sleep.   Either way this gives you a little insight to the minds of teens:  chaotic, fun and the opposite of what you want to do.

The End~

An Open Letter to my Future Daughter (Week 31)

So I have been doing a lot of thinking and as our child's D-day approaches I have been thinking a lot about being a dad.  I usually say so many things to my wife but never actually write them down.
So here is an open letter to my baby girl.

Dear Baby Girl,

I know that we have been having lots of conversations lately and by conversations I mean me talking to your mothers tummy and not getting a lot back from you.  First you need to know that when I heard that we were having a baby girl I was a mixture of super excited and scared.  Excited because I couldn't wait to see you and know you!  Scared because you are the first and I have lived a life, that I can say with plenty of honesty, selfishly.  After the initial shock wearing off I had a chance to think and talk about what I would be like as a dad.  This letter is meant to encourage you and let you know how much your mom and I love you even before you were in our arms.

Baby girl, I can't wait to laugh with you.  The second you learn how to smile or laugh I will melt and want to do that for the next 60 years of your life or however long God has me here.   We can team up against mom and make funny noises to make her think that she has gone crazy.

Baby girl, I will be firm with you, but I will always do it in love and try my best to be fair.  I pray that you would call me out when I am wrong and that you can be as forgiving as possible when I am being a bone head.  And I warn you it can be a lot.

Baby girl, I can promise you that I will never leave your side. That I will protect you, care for you, cry with you, hold you and encourage you.

Baby girl, work will never come before you and your mommy.  I have taught other kids, guided other kids, poured over the lives of other kids so that they would feel loved.  I will still do that, but loving you and caring for you and your momma will always come before anything else I do in this life.  I will always be a dad first.  

Baby girl, when you start dating I will do my best to trust the kinda of man that you decide to date.  I pray that they would be honorable, respectful, courteous both to you and to us. They should hold your hand, open doors for you and give you their jacket when you are cold.  I hope and pray that I am able to model Jesus for you so that you will desire that very thing from every man you encounter and when they don't have these characteristics, that you'll drop their sorry butts (or it will be my pleasure to drop them for you).

**Warning if they can't wear their pants on their waist, say the word swag or Yolo or anything that sounds ridiculous, that's a dead giveaway to my approval.

Finally baby girl, I hope and pray that you become a beautiful person who loves Jesus and in part loves other people.  I hope that you become whatever it is that you want to become (except for janitorial manager; dirt inspector and my favorite working at the DMV-- they always seem so unhappy ).  

We are praying for you, we love you and we can't wait to see your face (even though it will be covered in goo and will request a clean up on aisle 3).

Love your future parents.

The End  

Birthing Class....Yup Birthing Class. (Week 30)

So as you well know if you follow this blog that I am writing about pregnancy from a dudes perspective.  I plan on writing well into my child's younger years, just to help first time dads or so that you can laugh at me in the comfort of your living room or job (either one works).
So my wife thought it would be wise to take some classes to prepare us both.  She planned out the next couple of months so that we would have a better understanding of this whole baby thing the first class was on giving birth.  As a guy I was not thrilled, but I felt like watching a youtube video on the birthing process was a whole lot worse.

So here is my experience:

First I want to say that the class was worth it.  You should go to this class as a first time dad.  It will help you comfort your wife and not feel as terrified when the time comes.  I just wanted to make sure that was said before people thought I was just bashing this class.  It's a great class, go.

Highlights:
1.  Having the instructor using food as examples for birthing parts.....not cool.
I love food, but when you compare a mucus plug to a gummy bear and the fact that when my wife is ready to push she will be 10cm dilated which will look like a bagel doesn't help my breakfast or lunch selections the next day.  The next greatest thing that she could have done was dismiss us for lunch.  Luckily she didn't, but I would advise that any other kind of examples be used.  Just my 2 cents.

2.  It is really hard not to laugh out loud when the nurses call themselves "poop fairies."
Yes our instructor said that they refer to themselves as poop fairies.  First of all when poop is brought up in any context I giggle.  I know, it is so 5 year old behavior, but it is funny.  Anyway, it was in reference to the almighty question of what if I poop during labor.  I would think that would be the least of my worries, but she reassured her that they go down there like a pit crew at  NASCAR and you don't know that you did it.  Wonder if they do kid house calls?

3.  I'm pretty well prepared.
So not to be competitive, but I think I rocked out in this class.  The other dads look more scared than I did and when it came to demonstrating breathing techniques, I blasted that out of the park.  One dude even got reamed by his wife during lunch, maybe because he was supposed HEEEE when he was HOOOOing.

4.  My wife just laughed at me.
Okay so the nurse puts on music to symbolize each stage of labor.  A little orchestral piece turns into AC/DC into Rage Against the Machine for musical terror of your child being born.  Your job is to implement the comfort techniques that you learned in the class.   For once in my life I'm trying to be serious and doing all the steps and what does she do....laugh at me.  Okay so I sounded funny trying to replicate the breathing techniques: HOOOO HOOOO HEEEEEEEEE HOOO HOOO HEEEEEEE out loud.  Come to think it that does sound funny and none of the other "support persons" were doing it.  Oh well, the instructor gave me the thumbs up, great job, gold star wink and my wife just kept laughing.

Anyway, at least I wasn't the only guy!

Oh and for your enjoyment I put up the beautiful photos from 1988 of how to comfort your wife when she is in labor or throwing up.  It basically looks the same, because all the positions look like she is puking.   My favorite: the back to back puking style. 

Next up: How to use baby toys and devices to your advantage (Dude style)!

The End~