Bombs Away (Week 5)

So my daughter is now 5 weeks old and having her is kinda like being a bomb technician: I never know when she is going to blow.  I think one of the most interesting and tiring aspects of having a baby is their unpredictable nature.  As a dad, one of my favorite things to do is changing her diaper (yes I do love this part), mainly because I like to make it as fun as possible.  I figure the process is already traumatizing for my daughter that I might as well make it a little more tolerable.   So this post is a top three blow ups or blow outs that I've had to experience as a dad.  I do not write this to be gross, rather to give you future dads, or those thinking about kids a realistic view of what to expect in the diaper area.  We always hear about stories from people so here are some real stories verified by my wife.

1.  Rubber Ducky You're the One..... oh gosh

Like my Ernie Sesame Street reference?  Anyway, bath time is actually a really fun time for a dad.  My daughter makes some of the most incredible faces and I just enjoy that time with her.  With a newborn you simply bathe them with a special baby wash cloth and some water (due to the umbilical cord being exposed).  So I stripped her down got her into her little boppy (don't worry you will know what that is very quickly when you have a newborn) and began to bathe her.  I sang a little tune as we enjoyed our time together.  Then gurgle (kinda sounds like what your stomach when you have food poisoning) and then explosion.  No problem, babies poo, I've got this.  Changed and replaced the plastic cover placed her back onto it and back to bathing and singing......then not 2 minutes after the clean up: gurgle and plop.  This time I looked at my daughter to make sure she wasn't pulling some sort of practical joke on me.  Again removed cover, cleaned her and this time I just waited for the next round.  Fortunately it didn't happen.

2.  Duck and Cover!!!!!
I have never changed a diaper in my life before having my daughter, mainly because I think it is gross to handle other peoples (not your kids) feces.   So my wife and I had really no idea how crazy diaper time can get.  One day while at her parents house our daughter needed a change.  Naturally we like to have a nice flat surface to perform this epic duty so we chose their pool table (covered of course).  We began to strip her and as I am right in the middle of the cleaning her up (with her diaper off) she let's out  a really loud wet loaded fart.  So me and my wife looked at each other and lovingly cleaned her up and the pool table.  End of story......of course that isn't how it happened because this is me we are talking about.  She let that fart out and we saw it contained ammo, my wife and I both jumped and ducked under the pool table.  Realizing at that moment that we both shouldn't have jumped as our baby was now rolling around on the pool table.  We are truly great parents.

3. Umm honey
This is my personal favorite and I saved it for last.  My wife was getting ready to change our daughter's diaper.  She began the process of stripping her and got her to the point of having her diaper loose so that I could take over.  Now we had placed her on a large ottoman in our living room and my wife was standing directly in line with the danger zone (cue Tom Gun music).  Since she asked if I could help and finish up I came around to the side of the ottoman.  My wife backed away about 5ft while I did the lifting of the legs to clean her up.  As soon as I lifted her legs *spoooooooooge* projectile poo goes flying through the air like one of those water dancers that shoot out and cross with another squirt of water.

 Our daughter nails my wife with poo (still 5ft away) all on along her forearm.  I freeze as I am in total amazement of what just took place, but then we both burst into laughter at what just happened.  My wife goes to clean herself off and returns as we reminisce about the poo shot heard round the world.  Then I look down at her leg and tell her "honey, I hate to tell you this, but it is all down your leg.  Yup our daughter nailed my wife's upper body and lower body with her poo.  As gross as it is I was and still am impressed (5ft away!!!!) and scared, because I know my time is coming.

Diaper time can be a fun time to connect with your kid, but beware it can also be a time where, as Patches O'Hoolihan from the movie Dodgeball once said, you may need to dodge, duck, dip, dive and well dodge.

The End~